failed experiments

I am picky. I have never been easy to please, and when it comes to relationships and women...its in full-force. Ever since my last girlfriend and I broke up (i don't feel bad about that one at all though) I told myself.."self, you need to go out and date around and meet people as much as possible because you need to see whats really out there. Well after about oh...10 dates with about 5 different girls or so i realized something...i hate dating. I absolutely hate it, i hate the akwardness when something in you tells you "they aren't the one" and you have to tell them how you feel, i hate having to put myself out there because someone is playing hard to get, i really hate meeting someone really cool and finding something about them that you cannot get over and hurting yourself in the end. That was the case of the last one and it still sets me off. Granted, it was a tough decision to make, but one i would make ending in the same outcome....but i know now why i remembered why i hate dating.

I am a complex son of a bitch, thats how i am viewing myself right now. I am hard to please and starting to fear if i will ever be convinced in someone being right for me anymore since the few times i did feel like that i got burned. There are somethings i know i wouldnt have a problem with, and somethings that i cannot shake..i wish i was like my friends more and be able to look at the big picture a bit better...but this Seinfeld tendency from me will just not quti and i am fearing that i am compromising my own happiness alot of times. I don't believe its anything superfical, but as i sit here and type this for you (well its for me..i needed to vent to someone that is impartial and will just listen..maybe even tell me to suck it up)i realize..maybe i need to change a bit and maybe....i am really guarded.

Its obviously because of past shit that i have gone through that has given me this jaded opinion on relationships and "who" would be right for me. The minute i cop something for someone, lately..it seems like there is always this one thing about them that i cannot swallow and it happens to end. Maybe thats wrong of me to do, i know for some of those instances it was definitely the right thing to do.

Unfortunately all of this has created a chip on my shoulder and given me the mind of a guy who now is beginning to think he isn't ever going to reach a level of content with somebody because of the past and what it has done to my mind. The chip gets bigger as i start to think about my own racial issues...because..unfortunately..thanks to the past...i think i am almost jaded on that. So where does all this lead me? So far i am currently saying that i hate dating, i am extremely hard to please, i am ridiculously picky, sometimes one thing is big enough for me to not let go, and i am developing a nasty habit of racial profiling when it comes to dating....so i dont see anyone knocking on my door anytime soon...i almost hope they don't...for their sake...until i figure this out.

Sorry for this blog, its pretty much my mind racing 150 mph.if this blog is to be different..well the lack of flow of this piece and the suppression of common sense is probably what the doctor ordered.

Sorry if this offended anybody, but unfortunately this is me and i am finally prepared to take the blame for letting past stuff get to me and create these schemas in my head.

Peace,

Anandimus